A Bygone Era

When I moved out,the thing I missed most was the warmth of life back home.
I missed the comfort of the sofa,the warm cozy bed,the mundaness of daily life.I missed the happy voices,the coming home of my father(The look on my mother's face),the laying of the dinner table,the ring of the doorbell,the chit chat of the neighbours,the friendly doodhwala.I missed buying vegetables from the thelewala,I missed watching my grandmother wait for the postman everyday.I missed the constant ringing of my landline phone and the ever flowing guests(Who were always welcome).I missed the aromas from the kitchen and the easy availability of food all the time.

I made great friends at the PG I was staying in and in our own way we tried to create a home away from home for us.But I always felt a void.I always dreamt of going back to the same life,to the same warmth.

Five years from then and here I am married and running a house of my own...
During weekdays I hardly spend a couple of hours at home during the day.My doorbell only rings to announce the maid in the morning(Rather to jolt me out of bed).
I have this obnoxious green box for a mailbox in the apartment where I drag myself every time I am expecting a mail.I collect the milk packets from the bag I hang in by the door every morning.I buy vegetables from the nearest supermarket (The one with the fastest moving queues) and I have guests only when I invite them(Otherwise people call before they drop by ).I wouldn't recognize my next door neighbours if I crossed them on the street(I am sure they don't know me either).On most days I and my husband come home together.On other days when he gets late I am half dead by the time he gets home.
Sometimes I wonder if that was a different era altogether..Sometimes I regret that those memories seem so distant and are fading away so soon.
I wonder if I can ever recreate the magic in my home.

The Rain

If you love the rain you would agree that watching the rain through a glass window is something else..As I sit inside I am mesmerized ..
The world outside seems foggy ,blurred and distant.. You feel alienated sitting  in cozy comfort while the rain soaks everything outside.
You realize that  you are disaffected by so much else that goes on outside your comfort zone.How you are just a tiny drop in the vast ocean.How you are consumed by the pattern the drops form on the window while the world outside gets impregnated.How you prefer to sit and enjoy watching the outpour but don't risk getting drenched.
As these thoughts engulf me I wonder if I should step outside or wait for peace to prevail.
This is a choice I make everyday...

People say Mumbai is vitalizing,stimulating... I agree.
The place were my parents stay is surrounded by high-rise buildings.When you look out the window you see all these places teeming with life.You have a front seat view into a myriad of lives.
I have always been fascinated by the thought of what's going on inside these houses.When I see a teenager flipping through TV channels alone in some drawing room ,it gets me nostalgic.. I wonder if he is hurt in love.. I wonder what he is thinking .. I wonder what's cooking in the kitchen.In fact It captures my imagination.I put dialogues to these distant vague scenes... They become my modern day fairy tales..
I can't help but think if we all want to live in a dream.. Isn't that why we love our movies so much (Especially the ones with happy endings) They help us escape reality..We all become the protagonist.

Come to think of it , after a point of time even our past becomes a fantasy.In hindsight everything looks sunnier. Every time you meet old friends we can't stop talking about the good old days.
Why is that in retrospect the grass looks greener on our side whereas the present is always uninspiring ?

Can reality be never gratifying ? Or does fantasizing make reality endurable?
I think in today's busy world it is too much to stop and appreciate what you have.
We may have learnt to wake up and smell the coffee but we also have to start enjoying it .

The agony of a modern Indian woman

I did not become a career woman by choice.The way I see it ,there was no choice.It was never an option.I knew I had to do it.
I think it was my mother who instilled that in me.Growing up I did what everyone else does.I appeared for engineering entrance exams after I finished school.When that didn't work out I looked at other options.IT was big then and that is where I wanted to be.Everyone else was on the same path and I was no maverick.
While I was finishing my grueling final term in college, I got placed in a reputed IT firm.
So working for an IT firm was just the natural progression after a post graduate in Computer Science.So I don't think I ever had to make the choice of whether or not to work.It was like it was meant to be.
It doesn't really hit you till you get married though.It is like stepping into the real world all over again(This time it is as real as it gets).
As a woman you carry immense baggage.Sometimes without even knowing it.
You want to be the perfect daughter in law,the perfect wife,the perfect daughter.You also want to prove it to everyone in office that marriage changes nothing.You are determined to prove that you are as focused and dedicated as before.Too many balls in the air.
Your ability to multitask is put to test day in and day out.You have to take on so much more.Whereas for the guy nothing really changes(Unless you are the kind of guy who has never bought veggies and groceries).
There is so much talk about how a guy loses his freedom and how he has to listen to everything his wife says (Yeah sure ), but nothing at all about what a woman sacrifices.Nothing about how difficult the juggling act is for her.How it is a struggle everyday to do the balancing act.
Lest you protest or complain ,you are told you have the choice to quit.That if you are not up to the challenge(the one you bestowed upon yourself ),you can surrender.
As a woman you are conditioned to believe that it is your duty to take care of the family.You are brainwashed so much so that you even take pride in it.Handing over the brief case and wallet every morning to your husband when he leaves for office(Preceded with breakfast in bed of course) ,makes a perfect picture.
Here we are in the 21st century with women going for the moon and we still believe that the onus on running the house is on the woman.That if there are sacrifices to be made for the family it is the woman who takes the back step.
If you don't you are accused of being over ambitious,Of putting your needs first,Of being self centered,Of being career oriented.
I have a very supportive husband.He helps me around the house and is never very demanding.
One would say he has come a long way from the men of previous generations.He prides in being the modern man.Someone who is supportive of his wife's career.People around me never miss a chance to ell me how lucky I am to have him
(Almost accusingly).I am expected to be grateful.
This is the point where my agony starts.If we are equal then why do I have to be grateful and why does my husband become supportive if all he is doing is his share of work(Less on most times).
My husband says that a part of the problem lies in trying to be the superwoman.That I should not worry too much about what society thinks,that maybe I should not try to do the balancing act,that I should come out in the open and say that my job is very important to me.That I will not sacrifice anything and that I do not want to be the perfect wife,daughter or daughter in law.
I guess I can take that road but what If I want to have it all.Why cannot we redefine what a perfect wife is,what a perfect daughter in law is or what a perfect homemaker is.
Why won't the society make it easier for me.Ease my burden.End my dilemma.
Isn't it high time that we bend the rules and make room for the modern career woman in our society.
Let the agony end.Let the liberalization begin.

Three characters I can't stand at work

1) Mr Loud - I am sure you all have this guy in office who thumps a few backs when he walks in.Lots of Wassups on the way...
Now I may not necessarily be working on a Rocket Science project but I like my peace.All this open cubicle culture doesn't help my cause but I wouldn't mind it so much if it were not for Mr Loud.
Now most of these people are a big hit with the rest of the group but I like people who know they are not in College anymore.I would like to believe that they are attention seekers.They have some seemingly interesting story to tell you everyday.You have to of course pretend to like it and look gracious (For making your work life so happening )There is no escaping Mr Loud.He's cracking silly jokes just when you are about to make a serious point in the meeting.He thinks he should not even spare the client.He is unabashed by your "I don't believe this guy look"(He probably thinks you are boring).Your boss ofcourse introduces him as the clown of the project.Now don't get me wrong here.I have nothing against humour.Infact I have been blessed with a decent sense of humour myself.I know when to dish them out though.The British may be uptight and the Americans very cool but do we Indians have to be silly ?

2) Beauty Queens - Now I know I am going against my own here but man have I suffered at the hands of these beauty queens.I had a TL who used to start her day by telling me about her shopping escapades.She would then want me to join her in the restroom.Were I watched her tirelessly redo her makeup.A few layers or two later I would be patiently waiting for her o bring up work.
Gone are the days when Women would knit sweaters in office.But they have been replaced by women who do makeup in office (rest-room for those who are a stickler for details) , who go to the beauty parlor between breaks , who are dressed to kill when they come to office (A lot of hard work goes into maintaining the look throughout the day).They usually hang in groups.Scores of them around.They give you that look every morning and some are bold enough to tell you that it wouldn't hurt to be more fashionable.I think I am pretty hep but office is the last place I would dress up for.
I am sure you will argue that guys talk about cricket and shares all the time in office.But it doesn't consume them.When do we break free?


3) I am here for the free phone - If you are a faithful reader of this blog you would know that I am addicted to my phone.I do call people from work , in between breaks.I make sure I don't punish my neighbor.My neighbor ofcourse may not necessarily be that kind.I have had people sitting around me who are in LOOOve.They have to be talking to their sweetheart all day.So if you have to go to them with any work related issues you have to feel guilty about disturbing the love birds.As you approach ,the person on line is put on hold.So you know you don't have 100 % attention to begin with.There is this urgency to get back to the call which you callously walked in on.Secondly you suddenly realize the other person is listening in (Talk about data security breaches ).So you quickly walk away resolving to write a mail instead next time.What is even more irritating is , if you have to listen to these conversations.From good morning sweetheart till I am starting off soon honey(Lot of ILU's in between) .I have been in lOOOve but never done that .I resorted to sms.More private I now realize.Such people though have a lot of support.Young people in love sooo sweet.Makes my blood boil for sure!!


If you are in IT ,you will be familiar with these characters and hopefully sympathize with me.(Assuming you are not one of them)

To mom on her 50th Birthday

This is a message from a daughter to her Mom on her 50th birthday ..

Today my mom completes 50 years of her life .. I can't think of her being anything but my mother ...what a humongous task it must be .. I guess you start appreciating your mother more after marriage ..you realize what big sacrifices they make for you .. Every time I complain about my husband blissfully watching TV while I toil in the kitchen I realize how my mother did that day in and day out without ever really complaining .. It makes me realize how I have always taken her love,patience and tolerance for granted .. How I was always too busy to appreciate all the small things she did for me ..the very small things which drive me crazy today ..

My mother never had it easy .. As back as I go there were always someone to be taken to the hospital ,someone to be picked from the station ,someone to be served dinner ..When I was growing up I and my uncle were quite a handful and I am sure we did everything to make her life miserable .. I also remember all the laughs we had ..She is someone who doesn't get daunted by difficult situations .. She is one of the strongest women I know and manages to smile through all her troubles .. Today when I am upset because of a bad day in office and I have people coming over for dinner I realize how my mother did all that effortlessly and with a smile on her face ...always selfless and giving ..

I used to hate her for not letting me go out for movies with my friends back in school and roll my eyes every time I got a lecture .. But today I cannot thank her enough for making me the person I am .. for instilling in me to always do the right thing ,for making me fiercely independent and strong ,for equipping me with all the right weapons to face the big bad world ..for forcing me to always see the good in people .. for letting me know that I always have her love and support to fall back on no matter what ...

Dear mom

Today as you complete 50 years of your life l would like to tell you that you are an inspiration for me and that I would consider my life well spent if my children think of me as highly as I think of you .

Love
Mugdha

17 Again

I haven't checked out the latest movie 17 Again yet ,but I believe it is about Mathew Perry being able to get a second chance at high-school gets to set things right.To undo what went wrong.
That got me wondering that if I got another shot at being 17 would I do anything differently ?
Looking back there are a lot of things that I messed up.My career being one of them.I know I could have done much more but then somehow I guess I was destined to do what I am doing today.I believe that there is bigger power at play here.We may think we can shape our destiny but aren't we just going with the flow.I am sure you will all agree that what differentiates success from failure is diligence,perseverance ,focus,passion,good company and will.But what factor decides how hard working we are ? Why are some people more focused than others ? Why does success come seemingly easy to some people while it keeps eluding some.Why is it that today I am as hard working as I can be but yesterday was another story?
Sometimes isn't the journey more important than the destination.Isn't this path chosen.Was I no meant to learn from my failures.Aren't we here just to be better people.Whether we are successful or not in the process is just secondary.So I guess No there is nothing I would have done differently.This was meant to be.