The Room

If you were to believe me (unlike my mother), my oldest memory goes as far back, as when I was only a few months old. This memory of mine must have lied there gathering dust in the corners of my mind for millions of moments. Today I can’t recollect which one brought it back. But it came to me like a long lost friend, on a warm sunny day, claiming it’s due.

At first the memory was dark and rusty, with time though, it became brighter, just like the days I must have spent in “The room”. What I remember, is like a scene from one of those black and white movies where everything seems to be happening in slow motion. The way I see it or maybe the way I want to see it, is the view as can be seen from a cradle. I see a small dark room, small because I can see a door that encloses the room only a few meters away. I also can almost see the faces which peep through the door every once in a while. I can feel the sunlight coming through the small window, right behind me. I do not remember the sounds that float in through it, but even today on one of those December days, they sometimes seem to come back to me. Sounds which make little sense to me but fill my heart with joy.

I also remember how quiet it was otherwise in my room, almost surreal .I also vaguely remember a toy hanging just above my cradle keeping me preoccupied; On other times, the familiar faces, which ever ,smiled so lovingly.I remember the polka dot frock and my favourite bunny.

My mom is adamant in not letting me own this vision of my childhood. She tells me it is not for real and that even if most of those details fall in place, it is highly unlikely that they are from a memory. Her explanation for it is that it was all planted, that I collected all those details through the stories that were told. I probably constructed the whole image on my own and I have been going over and over in my mind for so many times that it rings true.

She could be right but  the romantic in me would like to believe that the memory is for real, and I hold it very close to my heart.

Pop corn

As he hit his bed , he couldn't remember the last time he was home. Having a successful sales career meant he was always on the move.As he turned and tossed in bed trying to catch some shut eye, he chanced upon some strewn Pop Corn underneath the bed cover.He could not help but smile,It had all started over popcorn.Ah those were the good old days.All you needed to impress a girl back then was a bucket of popcorn and some coke.Come to think of it , it was not so long ago.Just about eight years.Love was new then.He had this huge crush on his sister's new best friend.For a long time he was hesitant to do anything about it.It didn't seem appropriate to ask her out directly and there always seemed to be so many other people around them .
" Here I got some Pop corn especially for you ! " he had said at the mall that day.They were this huge group of friends and for once he did not mind his baby sister tagging along."Make sure you bring a friend " he told her, knowing fully well who the obvious choice would be.
As soon as he had said it, he realized how lame it sounded.Popcorn especially for you ??!! he asked himself.She smiled rather smugly but the twinkle in her eyes overshadowed everything else.
Oh he had fallen badly for her ! She was not averse to his charms either.Before he knew,he had her hooked.
At the two year mark of their courtship a proposal was more than due.He had just landed a job at a big MNC and he bought the biggest diamond he could afford.She made a beautiful bride and he was the envy of everyone's eyes.
Those first few years of marriage seemed a little hazy .All he remembered was the caffeine shots in office which kept him going and the long fights back home.It was not the bliss they had hoped for , after all.She was demanding as a wife he told himself,in constant need of his time and attention .All he could give her was anger and dismissal in return .He did not know it then that he was loosing her day by day , hour by hour.He had no time no notice,he was engrossed in his work.
Whilst he leapt up the corporate ladder,she had managed to keep herself busy.She had a started a business of her own and her company proved to be the baby she never had.He had been supportive of her career.That is what she needs he had thought.She needed some space of her own.If you give her wings to fly , she may not cling so tightly he had thought.
Things did change.The fights seemed to fade away but so had the love making .
As he lay there in bed,wondering what had triggered the nostalgia,he felt this strong desire to be loved by her.He wondered how he had let love slip through his fingers.As he felt the warmth of his tears the memory came back almost in a surreal way.I am allergic to corn she had said ! He could barely hide his disappointment back then but it was the one thing of her's that he had always remembered.In fact he had jokingly said that his marriage vow to her would be that he would give up on pop corn.Funnily enough that was the only promise he had kept in all these years.
He got out of bed trembling,holding the pop corn in his hand.Suddenly it all became clear to him.As she walked in , she found him weeping like a baby.

Ambition

As she sat there in her bathrobe drifting away, Roma had a vivid memory. Memory of a hot summer day, many years ago, of her Mother, fighting with her baba. At that time she was too young to know what it was all about. But as she stood there watching her mother make her case, little did she know that her mother had changed the course of her life. Years later when Ma told her that she had to fight with her baba to get her admitted into an English Medium school, it had all come back to her. From that day on, the memory was vividly emblazoned in her mind and today of all days it came back to her.
Roma was glad that her mother had managed to have her way that day; also she was surprised that her baba who loved her so much had wanted to put her in a Bengali medium school. But then that is how it was with her parents. Baba was the emotional one and Ma was the one who was more pragmatic, farsighted. She could see why her father had fallen in love with this beautiful and talented Bengali singer. But then she could sense that today her Ma was only a shadow of what she must have been all those years ago. It hadn't taken her mother long to realize that she would have to give up her dream to pursue a career in music after her marriage. She had ailing in laws to look after and there was this young brother in law, almost a child. As her mother had stood there as a young bride, looking into the innocent eyes of the child she knew she was to be a mother to ,she had stifled her dreams, resigned to her fate and told herself this was her destiny.
Back then what her Ma did seemed to be the right thing to do. Growing up she saw her Ma playing the role of a supportive wife, doting daughter in law and mother to her uncle to the hilt. She stood by her father as he reached the pinnacle of success, rejoiced by the sidelines and watched him take all the accolades.
But all these Years as her mother toiled through the life that she had chosen for herself, she made a silent promise to herself. She wowed she would not let her daughter fall into the same trap. She would ensure that her daughter will not succumb. She would see her daughter fulfilling her dreams, achieve success that mattered, that stood the test of the world. Throughout her daughter's growing years she made sure she instilled this sense of freedom and independence in her little princess. Oh so many of her own dreams hovered around her daughter, waiting to gain wings, to take flight.
As Roma struggled to find her way in the world, she knew she carried her mother's burden. She couldn't help but smile to think of how proud her mother was when she got her first job, how the tears wouldn’t stop. That day her Ma made peace with the world. Although Roma was as relieved as her mother was, she could sense that she could only imagine the weight of the cross that her Ma bared.
Today as she sat there thinking of her mother she tried very hard to fight back her tears. She could feel their sting, just as her mother would have felt the sting of betrayal that cold December day not so long ago. She knew it then that it would not be easy to tell Ma, that she was taking a break from work. But she was left with no choice. Her boss had refused to give her the option to work from home after her pregnancy. She decided she would take it easy, that a sabbatical would do her no harm. It had not been so easy to convince Ma though. Only for a short while she told her. She offered to help, said this was bad timing, that she was up for a promotion soon. But the independent streak in her stopped her from seeking any help. She knew she was doing the right thing, the biological clock ticking.
She had told her it was all right to give up her career for her unborn child. She told her it would make her happy. Her Ma did not do a very good job of hiding her disappointment. She was shattered. But what could she have done, she found herself helpless yet again.
Roma had not felt her pain then for she was not a mother yet. Not just yet. Three months later as she held her daughter in her hand, tears of joy burning down her cheeks, she wished the world for her little princess.
As weeks turned into months Roma found herself battling the trials and tribulations of motherhood. There were days when she was overwhelmed by it all, when she cursed her own child. The feeling soon turned into guilt and then remorse. She knew what her heart wanted but was she right to want it? Her husband did not know her anguish; he did not feel her pain. Wasn't motherhood rewarding enough he seemed to ask?
 Day after day as she took care of her baby, life seemed to pass her by. Roma made a promise to herself. She told herself that her daughter would not suffer as she did. She will get to live the life of her dreams, make it big.
The thought possessed Roma like it had possessed her mother not so many years ago. It gave her the strength to go on but then one day she could not take it anymore. Was this what would become of her ambition? Was she so helpless that all she could do was to pass my dreams to the next generation, in the vague hope that they would find wings? Was one Woman's ambition to become the burden of another? Will they always be so helpless?

It was the strength she had inherited from her mother that made her make that call. As she hesitated to dial the number, she wondered if her boss remembered her. But then he had always liked her. In fact her colleagues always teased her about how he flirted with her. She was overjoyed when he agreed to meet her. A rendezvous at a hotel sounded only practical. She debated whether she should tell her husband, but then did he really care? She thought she will tell him once she had an offer in hand. She wondered if he would be supportive. As she struggled to keep all such negative thought at bay, she smiled as she imagined how thrilled her Ma would be.

She snapped out of her daze as she heard the door latch. As she watched him come out the bathroom, with that rueful smile on his face, she knew she had passed the interview. The cross had been demolished she told herself, she had relieved her daughter of the burden.

Riding in Autos with Autowalas

I dread it every day.In fact I  walk down the stairs of my apartment every morning with a laden heart and heavy steps.

As soon as I am out the hunt begins.Well lets not talk about the hunt(That is material for some other post , some other day).What I do want to talk about is the ride.Thank God for the technology other wise I would not have been able to write this one on paper what with my hands still shaky and trembling.

What a ride it was.The moment I stepped into the auto, I realized this one was for thrills.

Before I was barely seated in the auto our man had stepped on the accelerator.As far as he was concerned the race had begun.As I sat there muttering something about auto's having seat belts, I realized we were on the main road (newly built road).For our man this was black ice.

Now the self proclaimed expert that I am in behavioral analysis,I have realized that in such situations it is best not to let your emotions show.If you scream and rant about how fast the beast is driving ,you just fall into the trap.That is the part he enjoys more than the crazy driving.After every crazy turn,scary overtake and signal jump he looks in the rear view to see if it has had it's effect(Or maybe just to check if I was still in there and had not tumbled out in one of his acts)

So as I sat there poker faced holding on tight and trying very hard not cringe every time I thought he killed somebody.I felt what most people must feel when they see a gun before their eyes.

My whole life flashed before me.I wished I had lived a more fuller life.I frowned at myself for not hugging my husband  in the morning.I wished I had finished the last few pages of the book I was reading(Now I will never know what happens in the end :( ). I began wondering about "who will cry If I die".As I was coming up with this list with tears in my eyes, the auto screeched to a halt.As I let go of my grip,opened my eyes and peeped out shakily to check who had died(Thanking god that it was not my day),I realized much to my relief that we had reached our destination.Or rather I had reached mine while he sped away to another journey.

As I stepped into my office, I felt this vague sense of renewal.It was as if I had seen the white light and managed to cheat it(Yeah this was my death defying moment).I vowed to not let this happen to me again.That the next time I am on this ride I will have no regrets,that I will live my life to the fullest and will live in the moment...but then that day could be tomorrow..Just another day with just another auto wala...

How Time Flies

Why is it that when you look back, it seems like time just flashed by...
Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I have been transported here through a time machine or something (Like one of those Stephen King novels)..Because it feels like  only yesterday when I was wondering how life would be today...(Yeah the time machine makes you a little delusional)
Anyway I have this funny feeling that suddenly I will find myself with two kids and a dog and one day(Or maybe just a cat) ,thinking that it was just yesterday when I was wondering what today would have in store...
So as I sit here and ponder over life and wonder how it would be tomorrow , I know that I will be transported to another world soon ..That day it will seem like it was only yesterday when I did not know how today would be like..
It is the feeling you get once your exam results come out..some times they leave you feeling vindicated , sometimes they pull you down..
But then I realize I get another chance(At everything that matters)..This exam I can write again.and again..Till I get it right....
but at the end of it all when I have it  figured out , I will be left thinking ,it was only yesterday that I wondered how today would be like..How time just flashed by ...

An Elephant never forgets

Mr elephant they say you never forget.. I wonder if you forgive though..Do you carry the baggage without feeling the burden or do you lug it along..I wonder if you ever wish you didn't remember..that you were rather a hampster ,with no memory of who trampled upon you last..I wonder if it is easy for you to let go or you choose to hold on ..

I wonder If one can never forget, how can one ever forgive then ..